Look, in this land, we have laws. And your kid can’t just toddle around here, looking as cute as he does, without it being a crime! Our laws are what hold our society together – they’re what makes America great! – and if we just allowed every super cute baby to just go around, waving and winking all innocent bystanders, fellow diners, and innocent park dwellers, then this nation would fall into total chaos! Frankly, your baby’s a disruption, and those chubby cheeks are slobbering all over the fabric of this great nation!